The Self
Compass growth tool edifies a pastoral counselor’s life and personality as
effectively as it does a counselee’s.
After becoming
a psychologist, I unknowingly developed a glitch in my personality. I was so
self-confident (Strength compass point) that I lacked humility and empathy toward
my counselees (Weakness compass point). In other words, I had plenty of
clinical skills as a therapist, but lacked the ability to identify with a
counselee’s vulnerabilities. I wasn’t about to feel vulnerable, especially because
I had spent too much time there in my growing up years.
The Narcissistic Boaster |
Looking back
on that early part of my counseling career, I recognize that God was trying to
wake me up, trying to give me clues that being too strong had become my
greatest weakness, but I didn’t want to hear the message. Though I utilized
healthy strength in accomplishing goals, a residue of the narcissistic Boaster pattern kept
me self-absorbed and one step removed from other people’s pain—too
success-oriented to empathize with others.
Several things
happened that brought a compass awakening. There was an extended period of
illness, a devastating financial reversal, and the death of my father. After taking
off several months from counseling in order to put my life back together, the
first few counselees I saw said they
especially appreciated my empathy.
What? Empathy?
From the Rock of Gibraltar who felt superior to almost everyone? Yet as I reflected
on this new input, I had to agree that it was true. Somehow in the crucible of
my suffering, God had balanced out my over-reliance upon Strength, helping me
to develop a more authentic integration of healthy Weakness.
In terms of
the Weakness and Strength polarity within your personality, there is a profound
wisdom conveyed through Scripture but often lost in culture at large. The entry
point for following Christ comes through weakness, not strength. Compass
Therapy purposely uses the term “Weakness” to highlight the universality of
human fallibility—conjoined with the truth that acknowledging one’s weaknesses
leads to humility and empathy for others.
If you think
about it, no one in the biblical narrative called upon God or followed Christ
out of sheer human strength. Such strength creates the sense that one is fully
capable of living one’s life without God’s help. But biblical characters, to
the degree that they developed intimacy with God, uniformly confessed their
weaknesses and acknowledged their sin and need.
As a pastoral
counselor, you build upon this willingness to acknowledge your humanness and
resist appearing infallible. In your personal and professional life, you
maintain an ongoing dialogue with the Lord, based on your need for him to
impart to you some of his own qualities as the Mighty Counselor. Yet even
Christ lives out this polarity of Weakness and Strength. As the author of
Hebrews points out, he makes perfect intercession for his brother and sister humans,
since he himself has suffered and knows what it’s like to be human.
There are
going to be times when you leave a particular counseling session feeling quite
furious at the counselee for dumping anger on you, or for ignoring your advice
and worsening their situation. You’ll want to tell God, “Sam is a total idiot!
Why did you send him to me?”
It’s okay to
have these feelings. Counselees can exasperate even the best of counselors. And
some of their behaviors can really grate you. But at the end of the day you surrender
this load to the Lord by “casting all your care upon Him, for He cares for you”
(1 Pet 5:7). He will use this healthy Weakness to comfort you during the night
and move in mysterious ways that help you the next day.
When it comes
to the Strength compass point, most of us need some help because we don’t
automatically enjoy a self-image as a competent and capable counselor. We develop
this image over time as a consequence of receiving positive feedback from
counselees, and from seeing our professional reputation grow in our church and
community.
To increase
your confidence in your pastoral counseling identity, say to yourself often
enough for it to really register: “I appreciate my strengths, capabilities, and
developing talents as a pastoral counselor.” This isn’t aimed at making you
cocky, but at strengthening your enjoyment of this vocation and bolstering your
spirits when the occasional session falls flat, or when an encounter with a
hostile or judgmental counselee takes a piece out of you.
Likewise the Weakness
compass point lets you say to yourself, “I am a human being with clay feet, and
I am not afraid to ask for help, make an appropriate apology, or experience my
need for strengthening through prayer, relationships, and community.”
And when you
get into the thick of a counseling session in which you have no earthly idea
what to do next, just say, as Peter did when walking on water in the presence
of high waves, “Help!” The Lord loves responding to his shepherds who are
giving their lives to care for his sheep.