Pastoral Counselors Need Both Love and Assertion

Most people I’ve met who have gone into counseling as a vocation say they did so because they cared about others. They wanted to help heal persons who were hurting. Yet there is a paradox in counseling, in that counselees can resist a counselor’s assistance as much as they receive it. This means you can’t maintain a naïve belief that loving counselees is enough to make them whole. 

In fact, loving care can get you in a lot of trouble if you cross certain boundaries with the counselee, developing too much interpersonal intimacy. Many counselors undergo the inglorious experience of falling in love with one of their counselees. This doesn’t mean that the counselor acts on this sentiment, because it is equally feasible that the counselor will recognize the inappropriateness of deepening a misguided love bond, and will confide in a supervisor or else do the inner work of intercepting the subjective side of love, transmuting it back into objective caring by not giving it room to grow.

It is wise to understand that the counseling platform allows for such profound communion of souls that transparency can succumb to infatuation, where professional caring takes a headlong fall into the ditch of a love affair. In the years before having sex with counselees became public knowledge as a glaring legal and professional breach of ethics, counselors sometimes took such liberties. Now, however, it is at the top of everyone’s list—counselors and counselees alike—to channel caring into facilitating the growth and coping skills of the counselee without becoming enmeshed in a romantic/erotic mess.

It is erroneous to think that pastoral counselors, because of their consecration to God and assimilation of Christian doctrine, are immune from such temptations, for they certainly are not. Yet that immunity is available, and it comes through the awareness that the Love compass point needs effective balancing with the Assertion compass point in the pastoral counselor’s life and practice.

What the Love compass point of the Self Compass enables you to do is forgive counselees for the mistakes, broken resolutions, and sometimes glaringly immature attitudes they will reveal to you, while nurturing them with a long-term sustenance much akin to Christ’s love for his disciples.

The Assertion compass point, on the other hand, lets you stand apart from the counselee, holding your own as a person in your own right, so as not to become drawn into the counselee’s habitual way of relating to people. For if a counselee can draw you into their normal interpersonal style and get you to agree with their perspective, then you will completely lose your power to effect constructive change in their life. Put differently, you give up the need for your counselee’s approval and gain the ability to tell them the actual effects of their distorted personality patterns, truncated human nature, and self-defeating communication style.

Assertion lets you express yourself in ways that include professional knowledge you’ve acquired from study, training, and experience. Assertion lets you make tentative hypotheses about a counselee’s unconscious dynamics, even though such information is often startling at first, or runs counter to their conscious self-image. Of course, you don’t allow your assertion to become headstrong or brash, because the balance of the Love compass point is there to reign you in, reminding you that love is patient, kind, and not rude or arrogant.

Think about this polarity for a moment. Picture the ways you show the Love compass point in your personal and professional life: caring, forgiving, nurturing, supporting. Now move to the opposite compass point and picture the ways you manifest Assertion: expressing, diplomatically confronting, negotiating, and challenging. Now let the two polarities move into a dynamic rhythm that encompasses many shades and nuances of Love and Assertion, working synergistically to give your personality and interpersonal communication a balance of loving assertion and assertive loving. 

It is reassuring to know that if you become too loving, sliding into subjective caring that becomes inappropriate, you can recover quickly by moving into assertion and making choices that restore balance. Or if you stay too long in Assertion to the point of getting argumentative, contrary, or unforgiving, you can recover your balance by moving into Love.

The key to this attitudinal and behavioral flexibility lies in existential openness to God’s guidance. Just as the disciples needed open minds and flexible personalities in order to keep hearing and benefiting from Jesus’ interactions with them, so the Holy Spirit can spontaneously move within your personality and behavior, both in counseling sessions and in your private life. And your ability to guide counselees toward Christlike wholeness radiates from your own continued growth in Christ.

Counselees as Heroes in Therapy

Human beings have an existential need for visibility; that is, recognition and validation that they are special and their lives matter. When counselees feel stuck in problems they can’t find their way through, it takes a toll on self-esteem. Compass Therapy seeks to strengthen their self-image, promoting redemptive hope by viewing them as uniquely heroic in their efforts to overcome difficulty.

Miguel was seeing me for help in solving a relationship problem. He had been dating the same woman for five years, yet she was still holding him at arms length whenever he mentioned marriage. In the first two sessions I had learned that Miguel had experienced a fairly tempestuous adolescence, including a good amount of fighting, cussing, and delinquency. He and Monica attended the same church, but this didn’t stop his old behaviors from sabotaging his efforts at emotional intimacy. 

Now in the third session, Miguel says, “I just don’t get it. Monica knows I love her. Why won’t she marry me?”

 

“I wonder if it has something to do with the way you respond to her in conversations?”

“Well, she does say that I cut her off and don’t understand her feelings. But it’s boring when she gets emotionally worked up. I really don’t want to hear about it.” 

“So from your view she's always asking for more emotion that you're willing to give?” (This is an emotional reflection designed to make sure Miguel feels that I empathize with his frustration, before expanding this thought to help mend his mind). 

“Exactly. She drives me crazy that way!”

“I think I have a hypothesis about what’s going on. Would you like to hear it?”

(I’m now signaling to Miguel that we are changing to another part of his human nature—his mind—and I’m doing so respectfully by asking his permission).

“Sure.”

“Well, from what you told me in our first session about the pretty aggressive crowd you grew up with, and from your identifying with the Arguer and Boaster personality patterns when you read the Self Compass book, I think we can say that you might be showing hostility and rudeness to her a lot more than you’ve realized.”

Miguel laughs. “She’d agree with that. But verbal sparring comes naturally to me. That’s how I make my living in sales. I always have an answer before someone asks the question, and I totally control the conversation. Isn’t that a good thing?”

“It’s a communication style that may work in business, but not if your goal is man/woman love.”

“Why?”

“How about putting on your thinking cap and telling me?”

Miguel offers a sheepish grin. “Because I don’t pay attention to what she’s saying?”

“And even more significantly, perhaps because you’re not emotionally connected to her while she’s speaking.”

Miguel sits back and sighs. “But I pride myself on being a good communicator. All my friends say I can talk my way out of anything.”

“I think this is the crux of the difficulty. In that fast crowd you grew up around, was it considered a strength to outsmart people with comebacks and put-downs?”

“Yeah. I always came out on top, too.”

(Now I administer more truth serum, knowing that if he receives it, I can move toward framing him as a hero of his life’s narrative).

“So as long as the conversations were focused on verbal sparring and had a competitive edge, you were the best of the best. But when you developed a man/woman relationship headed for marriage, everything stalled. Is that right?”

Miguel takes another deep breath, his eyes glazing over in thought. “I never thought of it like that before. I’ve always thought this whole problem was Monica’s fault for not being tough enough to handle how I talk to her.”

“I wonder if you’re on the verge of seeing that perhaps your aggressive speech has inflicted her with a lot of emotional wounds; that maybe she’s tried to tell you this but you turned a deaf ear.”

Miguel tears up. “She’s used that exact word—wounded. I never knew what she meant.”

“What are you feeling right now?”

Miguel wipes away a tear. “I feel sorry for being hard on her. Sorry, too, for never understanding her.”

(I wait for a few moments as he stares into space, sensing that his mind is assimilating a new theory about his past behavior, and perhaps finding fresh resolve to make attitudinal changes).

“I’m experiencing admiration for you, Miguel, because many individuals who have dished out harsh treatment to a partner aren’t willing to acknowledge it. But here you’re not only admitting your aggressive communication style, but also feeling empathy for how it’s impacted Monica.”

“I love her, Dr. Dan. I really do.” (His voice quavers with the emotion behind his declaration).

“I feel the sincerity of your love. But it seems like your aggression has the potential to destroy that love, at least on Monica’s part. Would you give me permission to point out when I observe traces of this aggressive trend in sessions, so you can become more aware of it?”

“Absolutely. It’s so second nature I don’t know how to change it. But I don’t want to hurt Monica any more.”

“Because?”

“Because I want her to love and trust me.”

(I want to deepen the cognitive memory trace of his statement and all it conveys).

“Please say this again, even firmer.”

His eyes tear slightly once more. “I want Monica to trust me because I start listening to her feelings.”

(Now I can place a new frame around Miguel’s life narrative, a frame that encompasses the growth he seeks).

“So may we describe you as a man who has finally come to face his combative ways? Who wants to transform his history as a tough-talking teenager into an adult capable of love and respect for the woman he hopes to marry?”

“That’s exactly right.”

“How would you say this to Monica?

“I guess I would say, ‘Hey Babe, I’m really sorry for bad-mouthing you so much. I know it’s not right. I want to treat you a lot better.”

“That’s a solid beginning, Miguel. That’s how an aggressive guy can become a hero of love.”

It is very worthwhile to build a warm human bond where curiosity and fascination enliven the counseling process, inviting counselees to join in the adventure of human growth.

Healing Through The Human Nature Compass

The work of pastoral counseling shares elements of reconciling people to themselves, others, and God; imparting skill-sets for living effectively, and blessing them with good will and compassionate understanding. In the context of the Human Nature Compass, this therapeutic healing stimulates spiritual growth in counselees, in rhythm with cognitive clarification, emotional modulation, and physical relaxation.

MIND

Thinking is a cognitive event that occurs in the frontal lobe of the cerebral cortex. Persons can think thoughts with or without emotion or movement. In 1902 Auguste Rodin created a sculpture titled, “The Thinker.” By reading the body language, you can tell that the man is pensively meditating about some inner struggle.

This is how counselees look when they are inwardly absorbed, trying to sort out what to tell you. They’re not sure what is relevant to the current problem and what isn’t. That is why Freud developed the psychoanalytic dictum, “Say everything that comes into your mind, without censoring anything.” Beyond struggling to know what to disclose, counselees usually want to keep up a good front to convince us that they are, after all, good and capable human beings, despite their needs and vulnerabilities.

The pastoral counselor’s mind is also at work, in the form of providing new knowledge, suggesting interpretations for the counselee’s consideration, offering perspective on a problem, and developing periodic summaries that state what has been covered and what lies ahead.

Additionally, your counselee is thinking between sessions about how to apply new insights toward the solving of current problems. How well counselees can analytically reflect on their therapeutic experience defines the quality of their participation, and may well be the single most influential factor for a positive outcome in counseling.

HEART

Feelings reflect arousal of the limbic system deep inside the brain. Feelings possess psychological, physiological, and even spiritual dimensions. Part of effective counseling is helping people recognize when they are having a feeling, and learn to label it accurately.

Some perennial emotions that may need sorting out include the range between feeling joyful and sad, hopeful and despairing, elated and depressed, loving and angry, excited and numb, secure and anxious, confident and guilty, trusting and jealous, appreciative and resentful, serene and frustrated, interested and bored, intrigued and repulsed, ecstatic and agonized, proud and ashamed, reassured and terrified, or caring and indifferent.

E-motions represent physiological energy that is “in motion.” Emotions express the energy of personality and are always changing, like the flow of water in a river. It is when some inner conflict has dammed up the flow of feelings like a beaver dam that persons become mired in anxiety or depression. This accounts for the unconscious pressure that floods out in cathartic expression when the beaver dam is therapeutically removed.

In order to develop a healthy personality and fulfilling relationships, all counselees need practice not only in identifying their feelings, but also in thinking about them constructively, and expressing them diplomatically to others and to God.

BODY

The field of physiological psychology reveals that there are two different nervous systems in every person. The first is the central nervous system (CNS), which allows a person to stand up and walk, drink a glass of water, or open and close a door. The central nervous system connects skeleton with muscle, and is innervated through the sensorimotor band across the top of the cerebral cortex.

The second nervous system, though less conspicuous, is by far the most important one in counseling. This is the autonomic or “automatic” nervous system (ANS) where respiration, circulation, digestion, elimination, and systemic regulation occur, as well as the daily maintenance of every cell in the body. The ANS can be influenced in dramatic ways. For instance, a professor walks into her class and announces that she’s giving a surprise pop quiz that will account for one-fifth of the semester grade. Within microseconds, blood pressure shoots up, pulses quicken, hands clench, and a few students practically stop breathing.

It works the same in counseling, only you can use the ANS for beneficial results. With a few well-chosen words, or even a purposeful shift in your body language, you can easily influence your counselee’s attitude and bodily state. This week when a counselee starts manifesting anxiety, try relaxing your own body by letting your voice have resonance and breathing from your diaphragm, slowly and easily. Remember to let your hands melt into your lap. Watch how, before long, your counselee begins to relax, since you are giving such strong environmental signals that everything is okay. What is happening is that the direct communication of your “at-ease” body language becomes an unconscious suggestion that your counselee’s ANS translates into a physiological relaxation response.

This “stay and play” mode of the autonomic nervous system is the opposite of the “fight or flight” mode that the slightest hint of threat can trigger. So especially when you are offering a novel interpretation of a counselee’s behavior for consideration, or when you are exploring an emotionally-charged past memory, you’ll want to do so in a warm and relaxing way.

SPIRIT

When working with non-religious counselees, or counselees who adhere to the teaching of various world religions, human spirituality can be thought of as the realm of values, meaning, and ultimate concern that promotes serenity and truth.

Adherents of Christianity, Judaism, Islam, Hinduism, Buddhism, Taoism, Confucianism, the New Age movement, and agnosticism reveal significant differentiation in their perception of spirituality. Nevertheless, a common theme often echoes Christ’s teaching to love God with your whole being and love your neighbor as yourself.

Or, if the person doesn’t believe in a theistic conception of God, surrendering to a Higher Power is valuable in order to find meaning beyond the autonomous self. And if a Higher Power is excluded from religious belief, then there is usually a quest for truth in terms of freedom from illusions and commitment to social justice.

Whatever the spiritual orientation of the counselee, the pastoral counselor can personally draw upon the unique message of Christian faith and doctrine that God is a loving Trinity, providing a platform for therapeutic helping that spiritually interfaces with Christ as mediator between God and persons, the Holy Spirit as Advocate or “One called alongside to help,” and God the Father Almighty, who together form the ontological foundation of human nature and hold the key to its fulfillment. For an in-depth exploration of this theme, I refer you to:

Trusting in the Trinity: 

Compass Psychotheology Applied

Short-Term Pastoral Counseling Using Compass Therapy

Short-term pastoral counseling usually requires four to nine sessions in order to move through the therapeutic cycle of problem analysis, experimentation with coping strategies, and consolidation of therapeutic gain.

In the Compass Therapy approach, time is apportioned for exploration of the presenting problem, exploration of the person’s history—especially as this bears on the issues at hand—and the mobilization of a treatment plan to help counselees make progress toward agreed-upon goals.

Ronnie, a man of forty, reported his frustration with dating relationships that typically ended after several months. During the first phase of counseling I focused on building rapport, asking open-ended questions about his upbringing, reviewing his high school dating experience, and discussing the failed relationships that had checkered his adult life.

A pattern emerged. I discovered that Ronnie had a smothering mother who dominated him, and a father who never stood up to the mother on his behalf. I realized that not only had Ronnie never received good modeling on how to relate to the female gender, but he also developed a fair amount of unconscious anger toward his mother’s controlling ways.

In the middle phase of counseling I shared in a gentle manner my working hypothesis that Ronnie let women get very close to him, like his mother did, because it felt familiar and provided comfort; then he would suddenly panic because he'd feel like they had become invasive and smothering. He would want to tell them off to re-establish his boundaries, but because he was never allowed to express anger, he'd resolve the problem by terminating the relationship, only to be left all alone again.

Because I offered these insights only as he ratified them, his consciousness was raised to the point where after a fifth session, he risked starting a relationship with someone new.

In the final phase of counseling, and as a consequence of some practical coaching about how to diplomatically assert himself, Ronnie reported that he was replacing his old passive aggressive tendency with a new openness to talk to this woman friend about their relationship. After one more session he said he felt confident enough to proceed on his own. I congratulated him on his progress, suggested a book to help strengthen his relational skills (The Self Compass), and invited him to return for a future visit if he wanted a “tune-up.”

Short-term pastoral counseling and coaching might work well with the father who is having communication and discipline problems with his teenage son; the overly shy business person who wants to develop more ease in networking; the husband and wife who have lost their sexual connection; or the missionary who has pioneered several churches yet secretly feels unloved by God.

For more theory and techniques applicable to short-term pastoral counseling, read:

Christian Counseling That Really Works: Compass Therapy in Action 

Pastoral Counseling Definition and Applications

Pastoral counseling involves a helping relationship between a religiously affiliated counselor and an individual, couple, or family who seek assistance for coping with life. Pastoral counselors include ordained ministers and consecrated professionals licensed in the field of counseling and therapy.

The word “pastoral” indicates that services are provided which are sensitive to the spiritual viewpoints and values of counselees regardless of their faith affiliation. A respect for the faith dimension of human experience is an important contribution of the pastoral counseling movement to the mental health field. Pastoral counseling assumes that a counselee’s spiritual life has value in helping to heal emotional wounds, resolve conflicts, facilitate life transitions, and clarify values and purpose.

Pastoral counseling often takes the form of a specialized ministry within a church, where pastors or professional counselors offer pastoral counseling under the auspices of pastoral care. However, pastoral counseling can also function as an outreach ministry to a local hospital, homeless shelter, or independent counseling center; or it may serve persons through the chaplaincy in a prison, military base, or college campus.

I know of a pastor who has collaborated with the police department in his hometown for over twenty years. Early on they so valued his contributions that they gave him a badge with the title “Police Chaplain.” Over the decades his phone has rung regularly for calls involving domestic disputes.

Pastoral counselors meet a wide range of human needs. For instance, a counselee who is grieving the loss of a loved one; a couple who need premarital counseling or help raising step-children; an individual addicted to substances; a person dealing with adverse work conditions; a parent overwhelmed by young children or adolescents; a family being torn apart by forces they don’t understand; or a person searching for intimacy with God.

By transforming broken personalities and reconciling damaged relationships, pastoral counseling helps persons and communities to become living expressions of God’s redemptive love in the concreteness of daily life.

Most pastoral counselors have academic training in addition to religious credentials. These may include the Master of Divinity or Doctor of Ministry degrees, with a specialty in pastoral counseling. If a pastor has not had opportunity to study counseling in seminary, there are excellent Internet and external degree programs in pastoral counseling offered through credible institutions that strengthen competence in counseling. For instance, I offer an online course for 4 CE (Pastoral Counseling: The Intersection of Psychology and Spirituality) through the Zur Institute.

On the other hand, some pastoral counselors meet with counselees on the basis of their religious credentials alone; Biblical counseling, for example, emphasizes helping parishioners respond to a crisis primarily through empathetic listening, prayer, and biblical instruction.

  

Consecrated mental health workers who work in religious settings or private practice are often licensed as psychologists, professional counselors, or marriage and family therapists. They may work in private practice or band together to form a church-based counseling center.

Personally, I see pastoral counseling as hugely important to the life of the Church and the witness to the community, embodying the truth that God ministers compassionately and wisely to human need, and that anything human is worthy of understanding. 

For 25 therapeutic techniques that can be used in pastoral counseling, read:

Christian Counseling That Really Works:

Compass Therapy In Action