The Countenance of a Counselor
The first impression a counselee will receive from you,
and the impression that may stay with them for some time, lies in whether you
are warm and personable—not casual and unprofessional, mind you, but simply
human and accessible. While attorneys and surgeons may have the option of being
cool and remote, pastoral counselors do not.
Everything rests on your counselee’s sense of whether or
not they can open up to you, whether you are trustworthy or not, whether you
prize them or not. I remember watching Carl Rogers counseling a volunteer counselee
at a weekend workshop. It wasn’t what he said that moved me, as much as how
humanly present he was with this woman. There was the hint of a smile on his
face and in his voice, even though he was conveying thoughtful reflection about
what she said to him.
I thought to myself, “Dan, you’ve got to lighten up with
your own counselees. You’re too poker-faced. You’ve got to convey more warmth.”
Indeed, I had been trained at the University of New Mexico that counseling and
psychotherapy is a serious profession, and that by giving counselees a look of
objective neutrality throughout the session I would help them to concentrate on
their inner material. It took years to get over that aspect of my training, and
to replace that blank look with facial expressions that flowed from whatever
the counselee was confiding.
Carl Rogers, Virginia Satir, Rollo May, and other master
counselors whom I’ve observed in person helped me discover that good counseling
involves human-to-human communication. Inspirational teachers and coaches know
this. They’re not afraid to greet you with a smile, pat you on the back when
you’ve achieved something significant, or frown when they are perplexed. So
when you invite each counselee into your office, enjoy giving a warm smile and
a firm handshake. This sends the message: “I respect your courage to come in
for counseling; now, how can I help you out?”
Your Body Language Matters
While we’re on the topic of a counselor’s body language,
let me mention three more cues. Watch your hands the next time you are
counseling. Make sure they are not fidgeting or locked together in an ironclad
grip. Use selective relaxation to connect the occasional smile you offer during
a session with a relaxed pair of hands. Then look at your legs. Is one of your
feet bobbing up and down like a cork in water?
Mouth, hands, legs, feet: all are visual cues that convey
attention or inattention to your counselee. Opt for a relaxed body in which you
are breathing easily and making natural gestures when you speak. This conveys
relational connection.
Beyond this, you can use the style of communication with
which you are accustomed. Some counselors have a dramatic and histrionic style.
Others are more calm and composed. This
is fine. But do become aware of your body language so that you can maintain an
accurate picture of how the counselee is seeing you.
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